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Mon 07/12/2009 @ 09:01. Filed under Personal.

She passed away. My dog, my best friend, passed away. Three weeks ago.
These past months have been difficult for me. I had to assist her all day, I barely slept, I was extremely stressed, but I would go through all that again just to have her with me.
I have spent the last three weeks in bed, I’m in bed right now. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have spent the 99% of the last 13 years with her. Now I feel so lost and empty. I know a lot of persons can’t understand why I feel this way about a dog. In my house, dogs are not pets, they are family. I never treat them like most people treat dogs. My dogs sleep in the house, the are not outside when it rains; during summer, each one of them have a fan; I bath them in the same bath I use; they are the first thing that comes to my mind when I woke up, and the last thought I have when I fall asleep. I could kill for them.
I’ve always have this odd connection with dogs, and with her it’s even more special.
I have a special bond with her. My mother says I’m in mourning like a mother that has lost a child.
She’s the best friend I’ve ever had. I can’t leave my house because of health issues, and all these years of loneliness would have been awful and unbearable without her. She made me company. She made me feel safe and protected. She gave me security.
Since she’s a puppy, she wouldn’t let anyone come near me.
All the girls ask for a big fancy 15 birthday party, I asked for a dog. She’s the best present I’ve ever had.
I’ll never forget the first day we brought her home. It was Saturday. During the day, everything went fine, but the night turned out to be a nightmare. She spent the entire night crying and making noises, I gave her water and food dozens of times, I took her outside, gave her toys, played with her, but nothing worked. I took her to bed with me. I’d had a thought week at school and I was extremely tired, so I fall asleep with her on my chest. I woke up the next morning with my dog still on my chest. I understood that that’s what she wanted, she wanted contact, she wanted to feel the heart beating. She need to be close to someone. Since that day on, we shared the bed.
The following Monday, while I was at school, my mother was assisting the cleaning lady when she noticed that the dog had disappeared. Somehow, she jumped the gate. They looked for her everywhere. They ended up finding her. She managed to go upstairs (with only 48 days of age) because she missed me. And since she couldn’t find me, she curled up on one of my used t-shirts, which smelled like me, and fall asleep there. Of course, that became my lucky t-shirt.

We never spent more than a few hours apart, only on special occasions. We traveled together, we spent holidays together, she spent her entire life with me. We became inseparable. She became a part of me, an extension of my body. Being apart was not a choice. She’s my life.
Some of you would thing I’m one of those crazy ladies that has hundred of photos of their cat. All my IMs’ avatars are photos of her. My three computers have photos of her as wallpaper, screensaver and account image. I only have one photo photo frame on my desk, and it has a photo of her. My cellphone’s screensaver is a photo of her. Even in some of my family’s cellphones, the photo that appears when I phone them is of her.

Now I feel like I have been amputated. I feel so empty. I can’t function.
I wasn’t going to come back to the online world, all these seems so trivial now. I was going to cancel the server and leave all the online life. But I was checking my e-mail and saw that the site’s hosting server auto renewed for six more months. And since the payment already went through…
But I don’t feel like doing anything.
I feel unbalanced, lost.
I miss her badly. I want her back.